Over the last 24 hours I’ve watched two movies taken from books — Bogey and Bacall in Raymond Chandler’s The Big Sleep and Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire, taken from the Dark Horse comic of the same name. Stop sniggering, I had insomnia and it was on.

For the uninitiated, The Big Sleep was Lauren Bacall’s third film, following To Have and to Have Not, which put her on the map, and some forgettable film with Charles Boyer, which was so horrible it almost took right back off of the map. The plot of The Big Sleep is too convoluted to explain here, but it’s your basic Phillip Marlowe detective story: a gumshoe, a big galoot, two patsies and a broad with great gams. The screenplay was written by William Faulkner, and it is in my opinion, some of Bogart’s best work. The only strike against it is that it doesn’t have a voice-over. You know, “She walked into my office and I knew she trouble with a capital - T. A crazy-eyed dame with a hard edged mouth and a set of go-sticks that stopped at her neck.” You get the point. I just want to make sure you understand how very good the movie is. Got it? ok .. moving on. .

To Barb Wire. Um. . . not a whole lot to say here. Your standard mid-1990s post-apocalyptic B-movie with big explosions and a horrible techno soundtrack. Yes, the soundtrack has a few songs by Tommy Lee and the Masters of Mayhem. Thanks for asking. Thanks for making me re-live the suck. Rae Dawn Chong is also in it — but of course, she is in every B sci-fi movie. It’s in her contract. And no. . . Pamela Anderson doesn’t get naked. At least not that I saw — but the movie was on UPN so if she had gotten naked they would have shown it.

“UPN turned into a hard-core porn channel so gradually that I hardly even noticed.”

Which brings me to today’s topic, the latest comic book to movie crossover. . . Batman Versus Superman. Yes, Warner Brothers has decided to unleash this idea on an unsuspecting public. Are they totally out of ideas over at the WB? I mean really — make a Dawson’s Creek movie, or a Roswell movie. . or even a Charmed movie — anything but this. There are so many things wrong with this, that I feel compelled to make a list:

• There are three great philosophical debates of the 20th Century: The nature of perception, the existence of a supreme being, Batman versus Superman. Who do they think they are to try to answer that question definitively? Don’t toy with the eternal verities. It’s blasphemy at best and heresy at worst.
• The last Batman movie sucked. The last Superman movie sucked. Christopher Reeves can’t play Superman. George Clooney won’t play Batman. Do the math. (Sucked + sucked) / (paralysis x idiot) = Box office bomb.
• They already fought, remember! Batman kicked Superman’s ass. Shot with a Kryptonite bullet.

The better fight would be Batman against Spiderman . . with Kirsten Dunst as the prize.

Just so you know my stance on the B vs. S debate . . . Until Superman decides to fight dirty like Batman does, Batman will always kick Clark Kent’s butt. If The Man of Steel ever decided to really unleash on Bruce Wayne. . . well .. two words. .. heat vision. Holy Bat Toast Batman!

I think that Hollywood should take a cue from the British. The British make movies, the British make television . .and never the twain shall meet. Honestly, can you imagine an Are You Being Served? movie? Anthony Hopkins as Captain Peacock. Or an As Time Goes By movie? Or a Keeping Up Appearances movie? Who would play Mrs Bucket?

I think those questions are better left unanswered. However, feel free to submit any ideas for great Brit TV to film crossovers. I’ll select the very best one, and post it here. And I’ll throw in a copy of the book The Mothman Prophecies just to make it interesting.

In other news, the new Hey Mercedes EP is coming out on Tuesday. A review will follow on Tuesday night.